I woke up as a newly minted 40-year-old. And every inch of me felt 40 years old. My neck was stiff and my shoulder was aching. My joints were creaking like the hinges of my old cupboard. Please God, don’t let my friend be right! Let today not be the start of my downhill slide. Amen.

9.45am

My mom scurried into my room and told me excitedly that someone by the name of ‘Ann’ sent me flowers. I think my poor mom didnt know that Ann is a woman and I didn’t have the heart to tell her the truth. Anyway, it was a very pretty pink bouquet in a cup. It’s so girly and so princessy! Thanks Ann for the very sweet surprise!

10:30am

Finally got down to doing the most important thing – checking of STI. It’s one of very few things that could make me smile these days. One of the stocks which I bought on a whim nine months ago has soared in recent weeks. Now my profit on paper has hit the five-figure mark. Not bad huh? It’s been almost two years since I started dabbling in  stocks and I still don’t quite understand the game. I buy purely on instincts and I get the kick out of  saying “I told you so”. But please don’t try this unless you have spare cash.  Stock punting is too risky and a health hazard too.

12:00nn

Bought my favourite beef kway teow with sliced beef, beef balls and tendons. This combo was the most expensive item at the stall and cost $5! Thank goodness I have two ang-baos which will buy me 40 bowls of this dish.

1.00 pm

Thinking of going shopping to buy myself a gift. But the spirit was weak and the flesh was even weaker.

2.00 pm

Glued to tv and the internet.

3.oo pm -5.oo pm

Did some work which I had been mulling over for two days. Who says a birthday gal doesn’t need to work from home? I’m only turning 40, not marrying a rich man.

6.oo pm – 10.oo pm

TV, dinner, TV, face mask and foot massage. 

10.00pm – 11:30pm

More TV and blogging, in between sending SMSs.

Midnight

Lights out. End of a quiet birthday. Just the way I like it.

That’s right. I’m finally turning 40. I feel like I’ve been waiting for this day for a long, long time. It’s strange, isn’t it? Unlike some women who simply cannot get their sums right when it comes to their age, I am usually okay about telling the truth. In fact, I tend to be forward looking when it comes to age. When I was 27, I mentally rounded up my age to 30. I thought and felt like a 30-year-old. When I finally turned 30, I didn’t feel anything peculiar about it. Afterall, I had been feeling like a 30-year-old for three years.

When I was 37, I started feeling like a 40-year-old. Since I’m going to be old anyway, why not let it happen earlier? Maybe it’s defeatist mentality. Or maybe I am psychologically older than my age. Whatever it is, I’m ready to embrace 40. And I’m not kidding. I’m more confident and outspoken now than when I was 30. I can buy a Gucci or a Louis Vuitton bag on a whim without having to be a vegan for a month. And if nothing goes wrong, I should age quite gracefully like the older women in  my family. 

But just as I was getting a bit light-headed, a cynical friend raised a little red flag.

You know, things could start going downhill after40. Your skin, your hair, your bones, your stamina et cetera.

Er, okay. So I’m going to turn ugly after Wednesday and I will regret boasting on this blog that I will age gracefully.

So start doing something NOW so that when you are 50, you will look 40.

But I’m so lazy and I don’t have the patience for any beauty regime that involves as many steps as a recipe.

Well, it’s your choice. Surely you don’t want to look more crinkled than your Gucci leather bag?

Okay, I surrender.

So two months ago, I found myself an anti-aging clinic and signed up for two types of laser treatment. Yes, you read it right. L-A-S-E-R treatment. It’s the first skin treatment in my 39 plus years of life and I opted for laser. I want results and I want it FAST. I bought a laser treatment package for my dark circles and a laser facial treatment for brightening of dark areas and rejuvenation. After two rounds of treatment for the eyes, my dark circles  lightened by about 20 per cent. The facial laser treatment was more amazing. My face was significantly fairer and brighter after the first treatment. After the second treatment, I asked my doctor if I would look like a ghost when I finish all my six sessions. Bursting into laughter, she reassured me that I would still look like a human, but with better complexion than a ghost. But she gently reminded me that I need to go for regular facial and that laser treatment was only for maintenance. 

So I’m headed for a road of no return. Very soon, I will need to buy a facial package. God knows what’s next. Botox or fillers  perhaps? Well, you will find out on my 45th birthday.

She won’t stop feeling insecure in the presence of younger women;

She won’t stop beating about the bush when asked about her age;

She won’t stop fretting over her skin, her hair and her nails.

She won’t stop buying more clothes, shoes and bags;

She won’t stop craving for desserts;

She won’t stop feeling blue for no rhyme or reason;

She won’t stop loving diamonds;

She won’t stop whining; and

She won’t stop wishing that she has a nicer lover.

See, women are such steadfast creatures. 

It’s the men who are fickle.

You got to watch ‘Fully Monty’ – the maiden show put up by Adrian Pang’s Pangdemonium. It’s hilariou and witty! Though I didn’t expect the cast to go full monty, I admit I had some misgivings about the final scene. I thought it would somewhat be anti-climax. But it was so cleverly executed that it gave the show a well-deserving, explosive ending that left many in stiches!

Kudos to Adrian Pang! I am so glad that he is now doing something that he is so passionate about and doing it so well.  Being a former “Media-Corpse” myself, I know how the vampires can suck the life out of a person. But Adrian Pang has now bounced back to life and is bursting with energy and creative ideas. Singapore theatre needs more directors like him and more supporters like me. (Seriously, I didn’t pay to watch Full Monty because of the butts. But since they stripped in front of me, I had to show my support by not squirming and closing my eyes right?)  

So please support Pangdemonium and other local theatre groups! Don’t lose them to Broadway and West End!

这一天，来到了日本年青人的圣地 - 原宿（Harajuku）。走了大概一个小时就觉得太烦了！人和伞实在太多了！搞不好还可能被雨伞刺到眼睛。太可怕了！幸好看到一间气氛不错的咖啡店，赶紧跑进去“避难”。

坐在窗口旁，看着来來往往的人，感觉很奇怪，也很寂莫。觉得自己不属于东京，也不适合东京。我仿佛是个失了魂的人，静静的坐在一旁，看着这个城市讯速的旋转着。

突然觉得很茫然，不知道自己下一步应该这么走。很巧的是，第一次到东京的时候，也同样感到茫然。那是十年前的事了。当时，我刚辞掉报馆的工作， 而且就快到电视台上班。当时，我还不确定自己是否做了正确的决定。虽然这一次到东京不是因为已经辞掉工作，但同样觉得前途茫茫。真受不了自己，都快要四十岁的人了，还为前途烦脑。为何不能take it easy呢？

我的人生就像一块加了过多咖啡和酒精的tiramisu, 苦多过甜，吃了一口会皱眉头！当然，这只是一个比喻。照片里的这块tiramisu，味道不错。虽然不应该吃甜点，但在这种又冷又茫然的情况下，还是忍不住点了一块尝尝。真爽！

After several false alarms over the past three years, this time it’s for real. The initial disbelief and panic that hit me has now turned into acceptance that it’s time for him to go.  As he rightly puts it, we should be happy that he will soon be liberated.

But in reality, I don’t think anyone of us is truly happy for him. For selfish reasons, we want him to stay. I remember a colleague once suggested that we hijack his resignation letter and burn it before it reached Big Boss. It doesn’t matter that Supreme Leader can be difficult to work with when he is in a cranky mood and would do or say things that are beyond our comprehension. He is afterall a good boss who goes out of his way to protect our interests. 

It is particularly difficult for me because I’ve worked the longest time with Supreme Leader. And he’s the only boss I’ve had in my entire career whom I consider a friend as well. He is one of the rare few in civil service who can deal with my frankness. As long as I dare to ask, he will answer me – whether it’s work or personal issues. I appreciate his candidness and trust in me. In fact, I sometimes find that he has become so candid that he doesn’t even bother to tell me white lies. Ouch!

We have our fair share of ups and downs. On a good  day, we are great pals who can talk about anything and everything. But on a bad day, we keep each other at arm’s length. You see, familarity sometimes breeds tensions. We tend to jump to conclusion, thinking that we know what the other wants to say but actually we don’t. That’s when we feel like strangling each other. Supreme Leader once said that if anyone was capable of driving him to his grave, it’s got to be me. What he didn’t know was that he’s the only one who could make me so angry that I would lose sleep at night.

Alas, our bickering days are numbered and I swear I will be as nice and sweet to Supreme Leader as I can possibly be. I promise not to remind him that he is fat or to tell him that his new orange shoes look like neon lights from afar. I’m not sure if we will be able to work together again. But one thing which I’m certain about is that from Jan 2010, I will avoid walking past what used to be Supreme Leader’s office because I will be very sad to see the room being occupied by someone else.

Unfortunately, I sit with my back facing this great view. What I see in front of me is the doorway and I often do not like whoever and whatever pops up there. As I’m typing this entry, I realise that my sitting position is like how I live my life. I tend to focus on the negative things in life – frustration, sorrow, disappointment and fear. All it takes is for me to turn my head around and I will see the good things in life.

All I need is to make that turn.

曾经为了某个人莫明其妙付出一切，结果一自兜圈圈，怎么走都走不出來。

我是一个只爱坏男人，越坏越爱的自虐狂；

常把坏男人当成宝来疼，把好男人当成草来踩。

我是一个比琼瑶小说更琼瑶的笨蛋，笨得没人能理解。

明知道又是同样的结局，还是一头载下去，自讨没趣。

我是一个看似堅强，但心确是软得离譜的女人。

一个读了怎么多年的书，还是不懂得怎样闯情关的傻瓜；

还是相信有天长地久的爱情，坏男人总有一天会变好男人。

长话短说，我是个怎么樣的女人？

一个胸大无脑的女人！

哈！哈！

(I just downloaded a free Chinese software and here’s my literary masterpiece which was painstakingly typed out using han yu pin yin.)

The longer you’ve known someone, the less interested you are in him or her. But the mere sight of others makes you very excited.

The more you understand a person’s personality, the less accommodating you are towards his or her mistakes, and the faster you jump to conclusion. But the same mistakes by someone else are no big deal.

The more time you spend with someone, the less funny you will find his or her jokes. But the same silly remarks from someone else leave you in stiches.

The more you know a person cares about you, the less appreciative you are of his or her kind gestures. But the same gestures from someone else will leave you very touched and wanting to give something in return.

Such is the irony of mankind.